It seems like a fitting start to make reference to water. After all, my blog is called Pattie Comes Clean. This morning, I woke early knowing I would post my first blog – my declaration of quitting alcohol. What would I say or do to mark this occasion? I pictured myself standing at the beach, my feet waiting for the incoming waves to wash over them. A cleansing ritual, but that sounds over dramatic.
I have been toying with the idea about starting a blog. I need an outlet, a mirror to reflect my feelings back at me about my addiction. I don’t want to bury it, as it is sooooo easy to do, as ground hog day hits again…the day after. By keeping a record, I want to leave a trail, become more accountable, distract and discipline myself. Become monk like. Haha. Starting a blog would be my day one.
In truth, I have been putting this day off. Christmas is a hell of a time to quit drinking. Leading up to the festivities, my brain had been in replay mode, dwelling on ‘should I, shan’t I, today, tomorrow, after?’ My body felt like it was on high alert, tingling, like bugs were crawling under my skin. Thoughts of ‘will I , won’t I’ dominated my pre Christmas planning. Like an evil twin sitting on my shoulder as I shopped, wrapped the presents, dressed the tree, whispering, ‘what a stupid time to give up, you idiot, setting yourself up for failure, dreamer, loser…’ In the end, my addiction won and my drinking became more frenzied. My gut was telling me my last hurrah was imminent.
So here I am, about to dip my feet in the water, take the plunge, no more burying my head in the sand (pardon the puns). The seesaw needs to find its balance.